Saturday, September 19, 2009

crushing exhaustion

how tired am i? too tired to be bothered with capitalization tonight - that is how tired i am.

i should be asleep - it is nearly 1 a.m. and the munchkins are unlikely to sleep in, but i couldn't sleep after being jolted out of a drifty doze twice by the baby who was unable to figure out how to lay down from a sitting position. (holy crap)

OMG (caps!) - this week has kicked my ass! work is incredibly busy - major event next week that my team and i put together in less than 10 days. it has been very stimulating and exciting - but i am burnt. i have to travel twice next week for this project (to the same city, mind you) - and that is causing major stress as the hubs just got a new client that regularly requires super early meetings, making day care drop off impossible.

sometimes this whole working mom/career stuff is for shit. the travel puts major strain on all of us - and then i end up feeling so guilty for leaving my kids with their dad, who is perfectly capable, that i bend over backwards to "make up" for being gone and am unable to find even half a second for myself. so really, on a regular week i only leave the house to do daycare drop off/pick up, and on a travel week it is twice as bad. i literally never get out. i'd love to just go to the freaking store by myself - but that never happens. i don't get to go to the store at all.

an example - next week i have to travel up north. i should be there all week - but i just can't. it is too much - so instead i'm going to turn myself inside out to fly up to SF twice in order to try to be gone as little as possible.

i feel like i'm drowning a bit these days. i desperately need a day off to myself - to run some errands, get a haircut, take a god damn nap - and yet that is not to be.

this post is all over the place. i'm too tired to care.



Mountain Momma said...

All I can say is that it gets better once the kids get older. Mine are now 3 and 5. But I know how you feel. I don't know how to be a working mother without the guilt.

Jessica V. said...

Thanks @MountainMomma - appreciate it! You are right - how would we function w/o the guilt? :-)